Wowee Zowees! It's summer! Yippeeee!
Isn't it interesting that a forty-hour work week feels like a vacation compared to MIT classes? Oh to have free time! For the first time in months, I am finding myself without work, and what better way to spend me time than to continue our saga oif unhinged charts?
I love the image of walking into a room, looking someone dead in the eyes and saying, "you're tiny."
Egads. What a start. To call this a "chart" is a bit of a stretch, but in my opinion, the creative potential offered by a black slate of a story is greater than any chart can offer. Each passer-by was given the option to add as many panels as their hearts desired, leading to an... interesting series of events.
Our story began with what I thought was going to be a rushed MIT student, waking up (as any good student should), four minutes past the start of their dreadfully early 10 am lecture. However, upon their recollection that they don't give a shit they do the healthy thing and continue sleeping. Presumably a few hours later, when a second party arrive to awak ehtme, they find themselves in a shrunken state.What has happened to our protagonist? Twas the curse of the red sun (duh!) that caused the unfortunate shrincage. To which their friend, as only a tru bestie could, answers with, "You're tiny," and "That's what she said." A true beacon of friendship.
Meanwhile on Jupiter...
Waaaaaaaaa!!! Guinea pig??????? A natural progression to our story. This is no run-of-the-mill guinea pig, but a guinea pig super villian who has concocted an evil scheme to turn earth to broccoli! Devious. And, as all great stories do, we end this one in a cliff hanger, our tiny hero about to enjoy their now larger than life breakfast when they are suddently broccoli-ified. What happens next? Are they doomed to live forever as a minute broccoli? Will our brassica-enthoused guinea pig be stopped?
That, dear reader, is for you to decide.
Count them, not one, not two, but three sexuel innuendos in one chart. Can you tell we are college students?
Our next entree is a wee more traditional, ranking vegetables from F to S. Broccoli (mispelled as usual), is obviously S-tier, onions make a solid showing in A tier, featuring a Shrek refernece, and what chart would be complete without potatos and the famous words of Samwise Gamgee? Our chart also features instructions for the perfect corn on the cob, which unfortunatly only made it to a single French house menu (that I may or may not have cheffed). Finally, we have cabbage steaks, a dish that Lowell 26' swears by, but whose position on the chart reflects our house's reluctance to try. A simple cut of cabbage lathered in oil and seasonings, roasted to perfection. As a vegetarian myself, I am intrigued by this preposition, and perhaps I'll bully next years food stewards into allowing me to include cabbage steaks as the protein for a future menu (who thought it was a good idea to let me cook?).
"Dame la banana" is quite possibly the silliest thing I ever written on a white board, and that's saying something.
What better to follow a ranking of vegetables than one of fruits? We love our fruits here in French House, and almost everything B tier and above is well-liked by the general population. The relative lack of unhinged arrows marks a lack of controversy in these rankings. Fruit's good. Simple as that.
Of all the charts to have up during CPW...
Dear reader, we have arrieved at the peak, le creme de le creme of 2023's charts, a time capsule into the stressed, sleep-deprived minds of LMFs residents in early April. I have, on several ocassions, read this chart after the fact just for shits and giggles, and, dear reader, I recommend you pause and do the same.
In the not so new New House next to Next House there is a funky fresh community known as French House. LMF is a bussin' place, with many Harvard students who are illegal immigrants. Characterized by a broccoli-full menu system, LMF dinners are intriguing and bopping, but the residents of LMF are too drunkj to admit their kitchen is the most swanky on campus. With a diverse membership, LMF's members hail from all over the world, including ur mom and ur dad. Despite this, 20.27% of members can actually speak French. There is a plethora of majors at LMF, from math to cs-flavored math, the most common being selling one's soul for the promise of a 100k+ starting salary. For fun, LMF loves to dry-scoop and say, "So true!" Once, some members even almost got bitches! Generally, LMF is sus and when Sally Kornbluth was asked what she thought of LMF, she replied, "Let them cook." *
A masterwork if I've ever seen one. I plan to continue my unhinged chart antics next year, but I have yet to come up with something to top this beauty.
Alfonso 24' "I appreciate the graph depicting the trend of goodness-of-idea vs. # of cheeky Smirnoffs."
Vivian 25' "Yes seems like 10 is the prime then after that it's bad."
Teo 26' "We also depict the process of vomiting and resetting the counter. You thought you had a function when in reality you had a x^2+y^2=r^2."
Here we have LMF at its most unhinged, what started as good advice like getting eight hours of sleep or not walking on the Charles when it's frozen, quickly devolving into the circle of binge drinking, a jab at La Sportiva's Solutions (I stand by their placement on this chart, those spherical heels are not helping anyone send), two Magic the Gathering references, and 8.012 again for some reason. Watching this chart as we moved into finals season was something else, I feel like the true story cannot be told without a third axis to represent the passage of time.
Well, dear reader, we have arrived at the end of our story, for that is all the charts that were charted this year. But fear not, next year I will return, with even stupider, less hinged, and generally more rambunctious ratings, rantings, and bits.
For now, I salute you for making it this far,
Au prochain!
* As the writer of this last bit, I had to select from a few quotes, including "Who?", "I'll say whatever you want, just don't hurt my children", "Aw yes, the biggest problem facing the MIT community", "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around, desert you."
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